The very last gang in town.

The consistency of this summer has something to be said for it, i must be honest. As disappointing as it has been, at least it's consistency is impeccable. I really havent set out and done anything that i had intended on accomplishing. I haven't been on vacation, or really even been out of town other than to play shows. I've seen some friends, from different places, and that's been nice. I've had a lot of my friends from here make me change my opinion on them, for sure. That really sucked, actually.
I had a lot of hope for this summer, and felt like i'd be able to do a lot of things, and make it better than last summer. However, it has pretty much turned out exactly like last summer, almost to a t. I've been a lot busier, sort of, and maybe that's been a good thing. I can't really tell. The one bright spot of the whole thing is that i haven't been running around with sketchy girls, or any girls at all, for that matter. i've let one girl push my buttons, but honestly, she does that no matter what time of year it is. i wish she'd just stop, or figure it out. it's been playing a large role in the breaking down of my sanity. she knows that though, and i think she likes doing it for that purpose, honestly.
august is gonna be almost unbearable. i have to work pretty much every day, and am not going to be off on my birthday. or any of the days around it. it's kind of a bummer. it was good to know a couple people were gonna try to do something for me. i felt bad telling them to forget about it. it's cool though, i'd rather let em know ahead of time, because they'd have wasted their time.
i hope i make enough money to take a vacation or something in the fall. i need to get away to someplace where i can just hang out with myself, and not worry about it. spending 3 days alone somewhere sounds like the best thing in the world right now, to be honest.
oh well, the Celibate summer 08 happiness train plows on into August. Takin' no prisoners!!!

Seriously, come on!

It almost bothers me how people know what pushes my buttons or pulls my heartstrings. It also doesn't help that people think i have a serious drug problem, or am seriously depressed. It's all of the above. Fuck off.
Just let me fucking figure it out, christ. I'm almost 28. I should honestly know, by now.

Stuck in the sauna.

Man, is it hot in baltimore this weekend. I mean oppressively hot. They say it's 95, but fuck man, it feels like it's another 10 degrees hotter. I'm sure the humidity is to blame, at least that's what anyone over 45 or a weatherman lays on you. I went to get brunch by myself at Rocket today, and was sweating after walking two blocks. Two blocks!!! Ridiculous.
I've been going non stop for the last 4 or 5 days, I'm not even sure. I went down to the Warped Tour on Wed., and hung out with some friends who i haven't seen in a long time. Some i didn't even know were there. It was cool to catch up with the Bouncing Souls and Bronx guys, since when I usually run into them i'm on tour working for someone, and can't really hang til i'm done for the night. Matt and Eric from the Strikes were there hangin too. I wound up just hangin and drinking sangria all day, and hanging at rocket at the end of the night.
The next night the Oranges played in DC. Nothing exciting. Minnesota Rachel and her friend came out. Andrew Black was there too, which was cool, wish he'd have stuck around and hung out for a bit. Me and Dave got drunk, and i ate awesome vegan nachos. Kate's friends were wasted, and for some reason were enamored with the fact that i was in a band. i wish i gave a shit that girls thought that was cool, but generally girls like that suck. At least in my experience with them. Whatever, add that to the list of reasons that I'm still single, haha. After we left, me, Roman, and Doug went and got some drinks at rocket. I wound up hanging with Buck til like 4 am.
Friday, aka hell day. Oranges played artscape. It was fucking hot. Got to open for Joan Jett though, which was pretty cool. She was real nice. Some people came out. I was glad I wasn't hungover. That would have been awful. I did sweat like crazy though. Soaked to the bone. There were 2 girls up front that kept giving me sex eyes and it kept making me nervous. i just looked down at the stage or at the weird old dancing woman in the back. By the time Joan Jett went on, i was over it. I hate big crowds, and getting almost trampled by a gaggle of lesbians was not awesome. I went and hung out at Jeff's for a bit after the show, and then me and him took a cab over to Frijoles. just hung there, and then kicked it late night with Jesse, tom, and peter. it was cool, just drinking, bullshitting, and listening to records. Sausage party.
Last night i had to play a show and work at the same time. nothing exciting, didn't do a whole lot. hit myself a bunch, threw the mic into my eye at one point. Broke up a fight at one point, and that's about it. Hung out with Chuck and Cris after work, had a beer and went home.
Real exciting, and relatively lonely. Single summer 08 rolls on.

We're running in circles.

I'm really starting to feel like my life is one never ending cycle. People coming and going, trends circling back around, wash, rinse and repeat. I don't think that i've ever really been able to get over anything ever, because for some reason it won't escape me. Every day i see someone whom i've had some sort of encounter with, that won't let me get away, or forget about them. It's almost as if those around me are so co dependent that i just can't shake them.
I'm not going to lie, one or two of them are certainly situations i look at as missed opportunities or second chances i would like to take, but for the most part i would just like to be able to move on.
i mean fuck, how are you going to not talk to someone forever and then pop back into their life, and pretend like things are totally ok, and nothing changed. Or for another example, how are you gonna tell someone you need them in your life so badly, and then do something behind their back, hoping they don't notice, or just not care if they find out?
What the fuck am I doing with myself? I have a hard enough time figuring that out without all of these other distractions throwing a wrench in the gears.
I wish i could just get away and spend time with a second chance, or a missed opportunity, and hope that it gets my head straight. Honestly right now, i don't think it would, but then again, my life has been complete chaos for so long, I don't even know what normal is anymore. Fuck, I'm a mess, and I don't even know what to do about it or how to fix it.
Haha, i hope someone random comes to this entry and makes sense of it. if you can, please let me know, cause I sure as shit can't figure it out.

Fix my brain.

fix me
fix my head
fix me please, i don't wanna be dead.
fix me.

i"m glad...

no one reads this.
i wanna eat lead right now.
fuck this city and the one thing i felt good about.

Struggle free summer.

i think i've gotten back in the practice of making bad decisions.
my job is sucking my soul out of my body.
i'm pretty sure employing a life coach might be of some help to me.
seeing my best friends get hammered by bad news sucks.
hanging out with my best friends is still awesome though.
i am extremely busy and moving around non stop for the next 2 weeks.
hectic life makes for hectic times.
i need a fucking massage, and an unbroken pinky.