I'd like to think that this all means something.

My birthday came and went, with more fanfare than i expected. I worked a double that day, and had the Yacht Rock party that night. It was really fun, and busy at the same time. I didn't even get drunk, it was kind of funny. A lot of friends came out, and that was really cool. More than one person got me something special for my bday, that was pretty cool. Sherry got me an amazing present, that almost brought me to tears. It was really fucking cool. It meant a whole lot to me that she went through all of that trouble for me. I love her to death, she is the best best friend a dude could have. Hopefully we'll get to hang out some in September, if i have a free day or two.
I had a couple unintentional days off this week, too. It was pretty awesome. Last night i got cut from work, and wound up spinning records upstairs and getting fucking blacked out drunk. Slurring my words, stumbling drunk. It was awesome while i was doing it, but fuck if i didn't pay for it this morning. Then again a few high ball glasses of whiskey, and a buncha beers and other shots will do that to ya.
I had an awesome conversation with V today, about general life bullshit, and blackouts, as well as some old friends of mine. I'd really like to go out and visit her one of these days, i miss her a lot. Apart from still having a huge thing for her, she is a great person, and a treat to be around. We're definitely on the same level on a lot of things. I feel like we were kind of meant for each other sometimes. Either way, we talked and i learned some things about old friends that really bummed me out a lot. It's kind of a shame when people who were like family to you, are completely different than you remember. Ah, such as life, i guess.
It's been nice having the day to do whatever with, right now. I had band practice today, and went and grabbed a beer with Dave afterwards. I came home, and hung out with Gerry, ordered a pizza and watched tv. Something neither of us ever get to do. I don't even remember the last time we hung out not at work, or a bar. I hope he winds up joining the band, and not moving, cause he's really the only person other than Sherry, or Erica, to some extent that i really like being around. If he bolts to PDX, that'll be a bummer. It'll also be another reason to go visit one of the 10 people i know who are living there. It's turning into little Baltimore out there.
I'm also starting to get really tired of people that can't fix their own situations. I am included in that group, so it's not the pot calling the kettle black here. I'm well aware that I'm quite the sad sack, most days. However, i can at least not rely on other people to "fix me". So many people that i know, blame everything on other people and have no idea that the one thing that's wrong is them. I know i'm fucking crazy. I wish other people would realize it, and fucking figure it out. If you hate something so much that you truly do feel like it's ruining you, stop fucking doing it. It's pretty simple.
As far as how to fix my own situation, i dunno. I control my own destiny, and I guess I'm just waiting for something great to happen to me. Whatever, or whomever it is, i'm waiting with baited breath, and my arms spread wide, waiting to embrace it.
As for right now though, i'm relaxing and watching Replacements videos on youtube. It's pretty fucking great.

Celibate Summer

Celibate Summer. Started off as a joke, and has now become a full fledged reality. It's a good thing, i think. It's kept me out of trouble, and limited the number of regrettable decisions that a guy like me can make when dealing with serious bouts of drinking away depression. I haven't even hung out with a girl, really, until today. In her case, she is one of my ex's, Dana, the girl that you can read about in the first series of entries in here. She is also part of the reason that I am depressed. Not now, but in the beginning, she was a catalyst for the place of driven myself to, now. It was pretty ironic that the one person who called me to hang out, was the one who didn't want to see me anymore 2 months ago. My life is that good.
She said she'd take me out for my birthday, to lunch or something. We didn't eat. She did, I didnt. I got coffee, and she got cake and later on, ice cream. It was fine hanging out with her. We did the normal dance around the topics of conversation we know shouldn't get brought up. Walked around, chatted, all that stuff. We decided to go to a movie. Step Brothers, my choice. I thought it was average, she fucking hated it. Afterwards, she dropped me off and i came home. Real exciting stuff. It was good for me to get out of bed before noon, though, so i'll give her points for getting me to do that.
I sat around all day yesterday, and watched tv. Watched a rom com that made me get teary eyed. i think i'm starting to lose a grip on my sanity, or really be getting seriously depressed. i think it's the latter. my habits are not good. sleeping all day, not going anywhere, only leaving the house to work, mood swings, not eating, drinking a lot, doing a ton of drugs. it's not good. obviously i don't give enough of a shit to straighten myself out either, so whatever.
Last night, i wasn't feeling particularly social. I wound up going to see a movie alone. It's kind of weird that i've seen more movies this month, than i've seen in the last year before this, combined. Anyway, i went to Rotunda, saw Pineapple Express, and thought it was awesome. It was funny, cause there wound up being like 10 people i knew at the same movie. It figures, small town we have here. Afterwards, i went with John, David, and Roman down to Rocket. It was Matt's birthday. Got there right in time to sing him happy birthday at midnight. Hung out til last call, didn't drink a whole lot. Just came home and watched tv for about 20 minutes, so i could get up to hang with Dana today. Insomnia fucked with me til about 6, so it was whatever. I got to sleep and it was fine.
Other than that, work's been kicking my ass, and so has life in general. My birthday is in 2 days, and the only people who have even bothered to give half a shit are 2 of my ex girlfriends. Life is grand.

Bright lights, big city.

So, we're a week into august, now. It hasn't been too bad weatherwise, lately. I've been able to tolerate sitting on the porch, and whatever else it is I do when I'm outside. I still haven't been swimming too much. I thought i was going to get to go tubing last week, but it wound up falling through, since there was some bad storms early in the morning. The Church down the street even burnt down, cause it got struck by lightning. It was pretty intense, even the stained glass melted.
I've been working non stop since i last wrote, and will continue to keep doing so. This month i am working a ridiculous amount. I figure it'll be worth it, so that I can save some money. I got a new place to live for when my lease is up. It'll be two blocks up from the bar, which is cool. Nice and convenient. It'll be more expensive than what i'm paying now, but i'm not worried about it. I can swing 650 a month, i think. The place is pretty awesome from what I've been told. I'm gonna go and check it out sometime tonight before work.
Other than that, not much has gone on. I went swimming with some people last week, one of whom i have a crush on, but she could give a shit about me. i'm not tall enough, or remotely her type. it's more of a pipe dream. i saw her at this party i went to last night before i came home, and she didnt even respond when i said hello to her. Real nice, haha. Girls i don't like won't leave me alone, and girls i would like to get to know better, don't want to know me at all. Quite a vicious cycle. Then of course there are the girls that are like mattresses, and sleep with anyone. I don't want much to do with them either.
I've gotten back to the point where couples make me sick most of the time. I am almost angered by the fact that 2 people can be in love and happy. I think because it's been so long since i've felt that, that my jealousy of it makes me upset.
for as many people as they say care about me, not many people do. at least i don't think so anymore. hardly anyone calls me to hang out, ever. maybe it's cause I work nights, or something. that's what i'll tell myself.
fuck, i'm kinda bummed out now. looks like it's about to rain. i need to get something to eat before work. who knows what i'll do?

The very last gang in town.

The consistency of this summer has something to be said for it, i must be honest. As disappointing as it has been, at least it's consistency is impeccable. I really havent set out and done anything that i had intended on accomplishing. I haven't been on vacation, or really even been out of town other than to play shows. I've seen some friends, from different places, and that's been nice. I've had a lot of my friends from here make me change my opinion on them, for sure. That really sucked, actually.
I had a lot of hope for this summer, and felt like i'd be able to do a lot of things, and make it better than last summer. However, it has pretty much turned out exactly like last summer, almost to a t. I've been a lot busier, sort of, and maybe that's been a good thing. I can't really tell. The one bright spot of the whole thing is that i haven't been running around with sketchy girls, or any girls at all, for that matter. i've let one girl push my buttons, but honestly, she does that no matter what time of year it is. i wish she'd just stop, or figure it out. it's been playing a large role in the breaking down of my sanity. she knows that though, and i think she likes doing it for that purpose, honestly.
august is gonna be almost unbearable. i have to work pretty much every day, and am not going to be off on my birthday. or any of the days around it. it's kind of a bummer. it was good to know a couple people were gonna try to do something for me. i felt bad telling them to forget about it. it's cool though, i'd rather let em know ahead of time, because they'd have wasted their time.
i hope i make enough money to take a vacation or something in the fall. i need to get away to someplace where i can just hang out with myself, and not worry about it. spending 3 days alone somewhere sounds like the best thing in the world right now, to be honest.
oh well, the Celibate summer 08 happiness train plows on into August. Takin' no prisoners!!!

Seriously, come on!

It almost bothers me how people know what pushes my buttons or pulls my heartstrings. It also doesn't help that people think i have a serious drug problem, or am seriously depressed. It's all of the above. Fuck off.
Just let me fucking figure it out, christ. I'm almost 28. I should honestly know, by now.

Stuck in the sauna.

Man, is it hot in baltimore this weekend. I mean oppressively hot. They say it's 95, but fuck man, it feels like it's another 10 degrees hotter. I'm sure the humidity is to blame, at least that's what anyone over 45 or a weatherman lays on you. I went to get brunch by myself at Rocket today, and was sweating after walking two blocks. Two blocks!!! Ridiculous.
I've been going non stop for the last 4 or 5 days, I'm not even sure. I went down to the Warped Tour on Wed., and hung out with some friends who i haven't seen in a long time. Some i didn't even know were there. It was cool to catch up with the Bouncing Souls and Bronx guys, since when I usually run into them i'm on tour working for someone, and can't really hang til i'm done for the night. Matt and Eric from the Strikes were there hangin too. I wound up just hangin and drinking sangria all day, and hanging at rocket at the end of the night.
The next night the Oranges played in DC. Nothing exciting. Minnesota Rachel and her friend came out. Andrew Black was there too, which was cool, wish he'd have stuck around and hung out for a bit. Me and Dave got drunk, and i ate awesome vegan nachos. Kate's friends were wasted, and for some reason were enamored with the fact that i was in a band. i wish i gave a shit that girls thought that was cool, but generally girls like that suck. At least in my experience with them. Whatever, add that to the list of reasons that I'm still single, haha. After we left, me, Roman, and Doug went and got some drinks at rocket. I wound up hanging with Buck til like 4 am.
Friday, aka hell day. Oranges played artscape. It was fucking hot. Got to open for Joan Jett though, which was pretty cool. She was real nice. Some people came out. I was glad I wasn't hungover. That would have been awful. I did sweat like crazy though. Soaked to the bone. There were 2 girls up front that kept giving me sex eyes and it kept making me nervous. i just looked down at the stage or at the weird old dancing woman in the back. By the time Joan Jett went on, i was over it. I hate big crowds, and getting almost trampled by a gaggle of lesbians was not awesome. I went and hung out at Jeff's for a bit after the show, and then me and him took a cab over to Frijoles. just hung there, and then kicked it late night with Jesse, tom, and peter. it was cool, just drinking, bullshitting, and listening to records. Sausage party.
Last night i had to play a show and work at the same time. nothing exciting, didn't do a whole lot. hit myself a bunch, threw the mic into my eye at one point. Broke up a fight at one point, and that's about it. Hung out with Chuck and Cris after work, had a beer and went home.
Real exciting, and relatively lonely. Single summer 08 rolls on.

We're running in circles.

I'm really starting to feel like my life is one never ending cycle. People coming and going, trends circling back around, wash, rinse and repeat. I don't think that i've ever really been able to get over anything ever, because for some reason it won't escape me. Every day i see someone whom i've had some sort of encounter with, that won't let me get away, or forget about them. It's almost as if those around me are so co dependent that i just can't shake them.
I'm not going to lie, one or two of them are certainly situations i look at as missed opportunities or second chances i would like to take, but for the most part i would just like to be able to move on.
i mean fuck, how are you going to not talk to someone forever and then pop back into their life, and pretend like things are totally ok, and nothing changed. Or for another example, how are you gonna tell someone you need them in your life so badly, and then do something behind their back, hoping they don't notice, or just not care if they find out?
What the fuck am I doing with myself? I have a hard enough time figuring that out without all of these other distractions throwing a wrench in the gears.
I wish i could just get away and spend time with a second chance, or a missed opportunity, and hope that it gets my head straight. Honestly right now, i don't think it would, but then again, my life has been complete chaos for so long, I don't even know what normal is anymore. Fuck, I'm a mess, and I don't even know what to do about it or how to fix it.
Haha, i hope someone random comes to this entry and makes sense of it. if you can, please let me know, cause I sure as shit can't figure it out.

Fix my brain.

fix me
fix my head
fix me please, i don't wanna be dead.
fix me.

i"m glad...

no one reads this.
i wanna eat lead right now.
fuck this city and the one thing i felt good about.

Struggle free summer.

i think i've gotten back in the practice of making bad decisions.
my job is sucking my soul out of my body.
i'm pretty sure employing a life coach might be of some help to me.
seeing my best friends get hammered by bad news sucks.
hanging out with my best friends is still awesome though.
i am extremely busy and moving around non stop for the next 2 weeks.
hectic life makes for hectic times.
i need a fucking massage, and an unbroken pinky.