Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I'd like to think that this all means something.

My birthday came and went, with more fanfare than i expected. I worked a double that day, and had the Yacht Rock party that night. It was really fun, and busy at the same time. I didn't even get drunk, it was kind of funny. A lot of friends came out, and that was really cool. More than one person got me something special for my bday, that was pretty cool. Sherry got me an amazing present, that almost brought me to tears. It was really fucking cool. It meant a whole lot to me that she went through all of that trouble for me. I love her to death, she is the best best friend a dude could have. Hopefully we'll get to hang out some in September, if i have a free day or two.
I had a couple unintentional days off this week, too. It was pretty awesome. Last night i got cut from work, and wound up spinning records upstairs and getting fucking blacked out drunk. Slurring my words, stumbling drunk. It was awesome while i was doing it, but fuck if i didn't pay for it this morning. Then again a few high ball glasses of whiskey, and a buncha beers and other shots will do that to ya.
I had an awesome conversation with V today, about general life bullshit, and blackouts, as well as some old friends of mine. I'd really like to go out and visit her one of these days, i miss her a lot. Apart from still having a huge thing for her, she is a great person, and a treat to be around. We're definitely on the same level on a lot of things. I feel like we were kind of meant for each other sometimes. Either way, we talked and i learned some things about old friends that really bummed me out a lot. It's kind of a shame when people who were like family to you, are completely different than you remember. Ah, such as life, i guess.
It's been nice having the day to do whatever with, right now. I had band practice today, and went and grabbed a beer with Dave afterwards. I came home, and hung out with Gerry, ordered a pizza and watched tv. Something neither of us ever get to do. I don't even remember the last time we hung out not at work, or a bar. I hope he winds up joining the band, and not moving, cause he's really the only person other than Sherry, or Erica, to some extent that i really like being around. If he bolts to PDX, that'll be a bummer. It'll also be another reason to go visit one of the 10 people i know who are living there. It's turning into little Baltimore out there.
I'm also starting to get really tired of people that can't fix their own situations. I am included in that group, so it's not the pot calling the kettle black here. I'm well aware that I'm quite the sad sack, most days. However, i can at least not rely on other people to "fix me". So many people that i know, blame everything on other people and have no idea that the one thing that's wrong is them. I know i'm fucking crazy. I wish other people would realize it, and fucking figure it out. If you hate something so much that you truly do feel like it's ruining you, stop fucking doing it. It's pretty simple.
As far as how to fix my own situation, i dunno. I control my own destiny, and I guess I'm just waiting for something great to happen to me. Whatever, or whomever it is, i'm waiting with baited breath, and my arms spread wide, waiting to embrace it.
As for right now though, i'm relaxing and watching Replacements videos on youtube. It's pretty fucking great.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Celibate Summer

Celibate Summer. Started off as a joke, and has now become a full fledged reality. It's a good thing, i think. It's kept me out of trouble, and limited the number of regrettable decisions that a guy like me can make when dealing with serious bouts of drinking away depression. I haven't even hung out with a girl, really, until today. In her case, she is one of my ex's, Dana, the girl that you can read about in the first series of entries in here. She is also part of the reason that I am depressed. Not now, but in the beginning, she was a catalyst for the place of driven myself to, now. It was pretty ironic that the one person who called me to hang out, was the one who didn't want to see me anymore 2 months ago. My life is that good.
She said she'd take me out for my birthday, to lunch or something. We didn't eat. She did, I didnt. I got coffee, and she got cake and later on, ice cream. It was fine hanging out with her. We did the normal dance around the topics of conversation we know shouldn't get brought up. Walked around, chatted, all that stuff. We decided to go to a movie. Step Brothers, my choice. I thought it was average, she fucking hated it. Afterwards, she dropped me off and i came home. Real exciting stuff. It was good for me to get out of bed before noon, though, so i'll give her points for getting me to do that.
I sat around all day yesterday, and watched tv. Watched a rom com that made me get teary eyed. i think i'm starting to lose a grip on my sanity, or really be getting seriously depressed. i think it's the latter. my habits are not good. sleeping all day, not going anywhere, only leaving the house to work, mood swings, not eating, drinking a lot, doing a ton of drugs. it's not good. obviously i don't give enough of a shit to straighten myself out either, so whatever.
Last night, i wasn't feeling particularly social. I wound up going to see a movie alone. It's kind of weird that i've seen more movies this month, than i've seen in the last year before this, combined. Anyway, i went to Rotunda, saw Pineapple Express, and thought it was awesome. It was funny, cause there wound up being like 10 people i knew at the same movie. It figures, small town we have here. Afterwards, i went with John, David, and Roman down to Rocket. It was Matt's birthday. Got there right in time to sing him happy birthday at midnight. Hung out til last call, didn't drink a whole lot. Just came home and watched tv for about 20 minutes, so i could get up to hang with Dana today. Insomnia fucked with me til about 6, so it was whatever. I got to sleep and it was fine.
Other than that, work's been kicking my ass, and so has life in general. My birthday is in 2 days, and the only people who have even bothered to give half a shit are 2 of my ex girlfriends. Life is grand.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bright lights, big city.

So, we're a week into august, now. It hasn't been too bad weatherwise, lately. I've been able to tolerate sitting on the porch, and whatever else it is I do when I'm outside. I still haven't been swimming too much. I thought i was going to get to go tubing last week, but it wound up falling through, since there was some bad storms early in the morning. The Church down the street even burnt down, cause it got struck by lightning. It was pretty intense, even the stained glass melted.
I've been working non stop since i last wrote, and will continue to keep doing so. This month i am working a ridiculous amount. I figure it'll be worth it, so that I can save some money. I got a new place to live for when my lease is up. It'll be two blocks up from the bar, which is cool. Nice and convenient. It'll be more expensive than what i'm paying now, but i'm not worried about it. I can swing 650 a month, i think. The place is pretty awesome from what I've been told. I'm gonna go and check it out sometime tonight before work.
Other than that, not much has gone on. I went swimming with some people last week, one of whom i have a crush on, but she could give a shit about me. i'm not tall enough, or remotely her type. it's more of a pipe dream. i saw her at this party i went to last night before i came home, and she didnt even respond when i said hello to her. Real nice, haha. Girls i don't like won't leave me alone, and girls i would like to get to know better, don't want to know me at all. Quite a vicious cycle. Then of course there are the girls that are like mattresses, and sleep with anyone. I don't want much to do with them either.
I've gotten back to the point where couples make me sick most of the time. I am almost angered by the fact that 2 people can be in love and happy. I think because it's been so long since i've felt that, that my jealousy of it makes me upset.
for as many people as they say care about me, not many people do. at least i don't think so anymore. hardly anyone calls me to hang out, ever. maybe it's cause I work nights, or something. that's what i'll tell myself.
fuck, i'm kinda bummed out now. looks like it's about to rain. i need to get something to eat before work. who knows what i'll do?