Calgary.

Today was the first day that it felt bitterly cold. Me and Mo took a walk to the mall, about 15 minutes long. We got there and felt frozen. There were kids working in this mall that looked like they were fucking 12, dude. No shit. I guess if you can drink at 19 you can work at 12, fuck it. Anyways, we sat around and drank coffees, and found out about the casino. We also cabbed it back to the venue because we are giant pussies. The show was fine, and there were no major issues. I was finding out at this point that Canadians truly become total dicks when they drink. There are obvious exceptions to this rule, my friends.
Sean Avery got suspended by the NHL, so i didnt bother going to the Stars/Flames game. It was pretty punk calling Elisha Cuthbert "Sloppy seconds" though.
The show was packed. There were a million kids buying Rise Against shit. Kids waited in line for over an hour. Some girl spit on their merch dude, Buck. He has shitty luck with kids. I had a dude try and fight me over 5 fucking dollars tonight too. Some people don't like to pay for anything i guess. Fuck him, at least he didnt spit on me, cause i'd have probably killed him.
When my night was over, i decided to go out since we had a late bus call. After the show i was walking around, and went to a couple bars, and the casino. I definetly got propositioned by a hooker. That hooker was definitely a dude. The chick had a dick, fo sho. That was how my night ended, getting propositioned by a dude dressed like a chick, for expensive sex. Boooooo Canada, boooo to you. JK, i love it up here.

Sand in my Regina pt 2.

So nothing really amazing happened during the show. We sold some shit. I talked some shit. No one tried to make me sniff their vagina phone, so that was cool. However, I saw one of the most amazing beatings of my life. Some dude got socked for doing something un-Canadian, and got pounded for like 10 seconds. It was loud as fuck, i heard him getting hit loudly, from like 30 yards away. Real boring. I felt bad for the kid who got beat up, i wound up finding out he wasn't even the dude that should have gotten punched. After summer bummer.

It's so cold...

So here i am, in Regina, Saskatchewan. It is mind numbingly cold out today. Like 15 degrees cold.
The show last night was funny. The drinking age is 19, so obviously it was fucking amateur hour. I thought that like 5 kids were gonna vomit all over my merch. There was also the girl who held her phone in the front of her jeans, you know, in her bathing suit area. Either way, it rang, got her stoked, and then she was trying to get me to smell her phone. In front of her boyfriend, of course. Gross. There was also a ton of huge frat dudes trying to fight each other, calling each other faggots. It was nuts.
For the most part, everyone was nice, and it was chill. I wasn't too busy last night, so that was cool. We all just wound up hanging out after the show in the dressing room. The crazy meth head local dudes that we met at the bar the other night never showed, so we counted our blessings. I can only imagine how raged those guys would have been. They probably would have tried to hustle everyone with their card tricks, like they tried to do to us.
This morning i woke up after freezing my ass off all night. Got some shit at wal mart, and am now sitting here, killing time until load in. i'll have a fun story at some point i'm sure. i'll probably post again in like an hour, cause i'm fucking bored out of my mind.

Day 1- Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Today was the travel day. I didn't sleep. Left Baltimore at 615, and took a train to Newark, NJ. Then took a monorail to the Newark airport. Met up with my Thursday homies, and went inside. From there, i sat forever waiting to get my boarding pass, then got on my plane to Toronto. Went through customs, and got some food. Purchased the shittiest sandwich I've eaten in a long time. I mean real bad. Not worth 7 bucks at all. Got on the plane to Saskatoon, and crashed immediately. The lack of sleep totally caught up with me. I woke up with an hour left, got a mini bottle of wine, watched Flight Of The Conchords, and chilled. Today was the first drug free day of flying i've had in a while.
After getting off the plane we got our bags and went to the Hotel. Me and Tucker are rooming together tonight. Put the two wiseasses together, I guess. We got some dinner. I ate a Bison burger, that was pretty good. The gravy fries killed it. I can't wait for poutine. Afterwards, we hung out with some locals, and got beers. We guestlited all of them for the show tomm night. They were talking about coke and meth and all kinds of wild shit. It seems like they get redneck fucked up here. Either way, we had fun. It was pretty cool. Everyone was super nice, minus the dudes who tried to fight me, Tucker and Andrew. Apparently we are fagots everywhere.
Right now, i'm drunk and typing an unexciting journal entry. Time for sleep. Peace, young niggas.

Seasons change. See the change.

I've really been slacking on keeping my life updates on here. I know that i'm not going to remember things later, unless i reflect upon them here. I have a terrible memory, and with the lifelong case of "wet brain" that i have, it certainly won't help things.
It honestly has been a relatively eventful month, in my life. I certainly haven't had a shortage of things to do, whether i've been at work or not. I've been quite a busy bee, for the last 20 days or so.
After getting my house broken into last month, i decided to move out sooner than later, so i busted my ass to get my bills and what not paid off, so i worked pretty much non stop through the end of last month, and the beginning of this month. It helped me get straightened out, to an extent. I got moved out in the only 4 day stretch that i've had off in months. I unfortunately joined another band and had to learn songs, in that same 4 days, so that i could play a show. That little stretch has afforded me sanity, fun, minimal rest, and a seriously dinged up foot. While loading in for the show, i had a 8x10 bass cabinet fall on me and crush my foot against a stair. Needless to say, it felt fucking awesome. So now i've been limping around for a little over a week.
Moving out was fucking awesome, though, i live with 2 of my friends, in a different neighborhood, and most importantly, in a nice house.It was a pain getting moved in 2 days, but was awesome when i got it finished and over with. I was stoked, for sure. Now that i'm in here, it has made my life easier, and more fun. Living with Matt and Sean, rules. I'm siked on it, plus we all get on well with each other.
I've even had some other days off lately too, which has been pretty good. I've been to a baseball game, went to a Caps preseason game, played some shows, had some good hangouts, and generally been in a good mood. Now i'm just saving money, so I can go see V and my SF crew, and go to my cousin's wedding in Dec. Those will be 2 fun vacations, for sure. I'm excited to see V, cause she's been having a bummer summer, too. I figure it'll be good, to hang out and just have fun for a few days. Plus i miss the shit out of her.
As far as my love life goes, Celibate Summer might be over, but it might as well have started again, seeing as how i've been trying to keep myself out of trouble. I dunno what to think about anything, my mind is in so many directions. I definitely still have a crush on Veronica, not even a crush really, i like her. Then there's the dog walker, who i dunno what is going on there, or how i really feel about it. The ex who is still in love with me, who I want nothing to do with. The transplant, who i think is just someone i should be friends with. She is too much for me. Then there's the new girl. She likes me, but at the same time she doesn't like me at all. She thinks i'm the world's biggest shitbag. She might be right, judging from the past few sentences. Either way, we hung out the other night, and it was fun. I just can't handle her when she gets loaded, and is mouthy, and can't stand on her own.
Whatever, fall is here now, and there's no shortage of replacements and lemonheads records for me to listen to, to get in the mood for the season. I just need to buy a new ipod, so i can load it up with sweet jams, and ride around town. Who knows what will happen between now and the next time i find time to write.
My life really is still a mess, to be honest, haha.

Ugh, haha

I feel like time is getting stolen from my hands
each breath i take, is one closer to the last.
I'm watching the world racing by
Standing out of the way hands by my side.

We're all fucked
Out of time and out of luck.
Wasting away
Not enough "sorry's" for me to say.

Force fed everything you say
Your slogans are lies, always been this way
I don't know what else to do
Drown my sorrows or run away, we're still screwed


sleep. eat. work.
wash. rinse repeat.
life. love. regret.

Holy shit.

As i'm sitting here relaxing, and watching a Katt Williams special, i'm realizing that i honestly have not had time to chill and relax, since the last time. it's been a blur the last couple weeks, filled with work, and lots of it. I played a couple shows, and they went pretty cool. I wanted to go to the beach, but it wound up not happening, surprise surprise. I may try to go this weekend, who knows though?
I did get some cool news though, Ratsize is gonna have our Sam Holden photo in a new show on Starz or Bravo, i can't remember. Either way, you'll see our mugs in every shot of Dennis Hopper's office, in his new show. It's gonna be right behind his desk, i'm pretty stoked. Glad i wore a "cool" shirt in the photo.
Im finally fucking moving out this week, too. I'm pretty excited about that.
I don't even know what to say. I'm pretty much wicked unexciting these days.

I'd like to think that this all means something.

My birthday came and went, with more fanfare than i expected. I worked a double that day, and had the Yacht Rock party that night. It was really fun, and busy at the same time. I didn't even get drunk, it was kind of funny. A lot of friends came out, and that was really cool. More than one person got me something special for my bday, that was pretty cool. Sherry got me an amazing present, that almost brought me to tears. It was really fucking cool. It meant a whole lot to me that she went through all of that trouble for me. I love her to death, she is the best best friend a dude could have. Hopefully we'll get to hang out some in September, if i have a free day or two.
I had a couple unintentional days off this week, too. It was pretty awesome. Last night i got cut from work, and wound up spinning records upstairs and getting fucking blacked out drunk. Slurring my words, stumbling drunk. It was awesome while i was doing it, but fuck if i didn't pay for it this morning. Then again a few high ball glasses of whiskey, and a buncha beers and other shots will do that to ya.
I had an awesome conversation with V today, about general life bullshit, and blackouts, as well as some old friends of mine. I'd really like to go out and visit her one of these days, i miss her a lot. Apart from still having a huge thing for her, she is a great person, and a treat to be around. We're definitely on the same level on a lot of things. I feel like we were kind of meant for each other sometimes. Either way, we talked and i learned some things about old friends that really bummed me out a lot. It's kind of a shame when people who were like family to you, are completely different than you remember. Ah, such as life, i guess.
It's been nice having the day to do whatever with, right now. I had band practice today, and went and grabbed a beer with Dave afterwards. I came home, and hung out with Gerry, ordered a pizza and watched tv. Something neither of us ever get to do. I don't even remember the last time we hung out not at work, or a bar. I hope he winds up joining the band, and not moving, cause he's really the only person other than Sherry, or Erica, to some extent that i really like being around. If he bolts to PDX, that'll be a bummer. It'll also be another reason to go visit one of the 10 people i know who are living there. It's turning into little Baltimore out there.
I'm also starting to get really tired of people that can't fix their own situations. I am included in that group, so it's not the pot calling the kettle black here. I'm well aware that I'm quite the sad sack, most days. However, i can at least not rely on other people to "fix me". So many people that i know, blame everything on other people and have no idea that the one thing that's wrong is them. I know i'm fucking crazy. I wish other people would realize it, and fucking figure it out. If you hate something so much that you truly do feel like it's ruining you, stop fucking doing it. It's pretty simple.
As far as how to fix my own situation, i dunno. I control my own destiny, and I guess I'm just waiting for something great to happen to me. Whatever, or whomever it is, i'm waiting with baited breath, and my arms spread wide, waiting to embrace it.
As for right now though, i'm relaxing and watching Replacements videos on youtube. It's pretty fucking great.

Celibate Summer

Celibate Summer. Started off as a joke, and has now become a full fledged reality. It's a good thing, i think. It's kept me out of trouble, and limited the number of regrettable decisions that a guy like me can make when dealing with serious bouts of drinking away depression. I haven't even hung out with a girl, really, until today. In her case, she is one of my ex's, Dana, the girl that you can read about in the first series of entries in here. She is also part of the reason that I am depressed. Not now, but in the beginning, she was a catalyst for the place of driven myself to, now. It was pretty ironic that the one person who called me to hang out, was the one who didn't want to see me anymore 2 months ago. My life is that good.
She said she'd take me out for my birthday, to lunch or something. We didn't eat. She did, I didnt. I got coffee, and she got cake and later on, ice cream. It was fine hanging out with her. We did the normal dance around the topics of conversation we know shouldn't get brought up. Walked around, chatted, all that stuff. We decided to go to a movie. Step Brothers, my choice. I thought it was average, she fucking hated it. Afterwards, she dropped me off and i came home. Real exciting stuff. It was good for me to get out of bed before noon, though, so i'll give her points for getting me to do that.
I sat around all day yesterday, and watched tv. Watched a rom com that made me get teary eyed. i think i'm starting to lose a grip on my sanity, or really be getting seriously depressed. i think it's the latter. my habits are not good. sleeping all day, not going anywhere, only leaving the house to work, mood swings, not eating, drinking a lot, doing a ton of drugs. it's not good. obviously i don't give enough of a shit to straighten myself out either, so whatever.
Last night, i wasn't feeling particularly social. I wound up going to see a movie alone. It's kind of weird that i've seen more movies this month, than i've seen in the last year before this, combined. Anyway, i went to Rotunda, saw Pineapple Express, and thought it was awesome. It was funny, cause there wound up being like 10 people i knew at the same movie. It figures, small town we have here. Afterwards, i went with John, David, and Roman down to Rocket. It was Matt's birthday. Got there right in time to sing him happy birthday at midnight. Hung out til last call, didn't drink a whole lot. Just came home and watched tv for about 20 minutes, so i could get up to hang with Dana today. Insomnia fucked with me til about 6, so it was whatever. I got to sleep and it was fine.
Other than that, work's been kicking my ass, and so has life in general. My birthday is in 2 days, and the only people who have even bothered to give half a shit are 2 of my ex girlfriends. Life is grand.

Bright lights, big city.

So, we're a week into august, now. It hasn't been too bad weatherwise, lately. I've been able to tolerate sitting on the porch, and whatever else it is I do when I'm outside. I still haven't been swimming too much. I thought i was going to get to go tubing last week, but it wound up falling through, since there was some bad storms early in the morning. The Church down the street even burnt down, cause it got struck by lightning. It was pretty intense, even the stained glass melted.
I've been working non stop since i last wrote, and will continue to keep doing so. This month i am working a ridiculous amount. I figure it'll be worth it, so that I can save some money. I got a new place to live for when my lease is up. It'll be two blocks up from the bar, which is cool. Nice and convenient. It'll be more expensive than what i'm paying now, but i'm not worried about it. I can swing 650 a month, i think. The place is pretty awesome from what I've been told. I'm gonna go and check it out sometime tonight before work.
Other than that, not much has gone on. I went swimming with some people last week, one of whom i have a crush on, but she could give a shit about me. i'm not tall enough, or remotely her type. it's more of a pipe dream. i saw her at this party i went to last night before i came home, and she didnt even respond when i said hello to her. Real nice, haha. Girls i don't like won't leave me alone, and girls i would like to get to know better, don't want to know me at all. Quite a vicious cycle. Then of course there are the girls that are like mattresses, and sleep with anyone. I don't want much to do with them either.
I've gotten back to the point where couples make me sick most of the time. I am almost angered by the fact that 2 people can be in love and happy. I think because it's been so long since i've felt that, that my jealousy of it makes me upset.
for as many people as they say care about me, not many people do. at least i don't think so anymore. hardly anyone calls me to hang out, ever. maybe it's cause I work nights, or something. that's what i'll tell myself.
fuck, i'm kinda bummed out now. looks like it's about to rain. i need to get something to eat before work. who knows what i'll do?