It's raining in Bltimore

I'm killing time until i have to go to work. It's raining like crazy, hope that it cools everything down. I have nothing exciting to report. It's been pretty ho hum the last couple of days. i have friends in town i'm not going to be able to hang with because of work. I'm off saturday. I need to find something to do.

Are you going to...dick meeting?!?!

it's been a pretty eventful stint in my last week of living. i've actually done something outside of my normal routine. the night of the last entry i was in pretty good spirits, and happy about life. that came crashing down the next day when i was at work and found out i had been double scheduled. this was due to the fact that iron maiden was playing and the entire bar went to the show. literally the entire security and bar staff that was not scheduled was there. I was stuck working all night. It was pretty fucking irritating. The next night, it took a turn for the better, cause it was the last night for the current thursday night dj's. the music was finally good, too, so of course no one came out, cause they are idiots. there was also a hip hop show downstairs, and the crossover appeal wasn't happening. i did get to meet two awesome girls from boston, who tipped me excellent, and gave me their numbers. i will be hanging with them in the future, i hope.
finally on friday, i broke out of my normal day to day bullshit! i went to new york for a couple days, so we could play our yearly soccer match. we left around 7 or so and had a really entertaining ride up. i rode with sherry and the Dosch. We listened to a bunch of old school jams, and had serious sing alongs. it was a lot of fun. when we got up to ny, we met up with a friend of ben's, and the 6 of us who came up early went out drinking. my friend lisa came out, which was cool. found out her and justin broke up. also cool. found out they broke up because of some girl he slept with. i slept with her too. not cool. either way, she's one of the girls i was talking about liking having a crush on. when i hang with her, it feels really awesome. that's good enough for me. i want her to stick around, not go home. after we went out to another couple of bars, and picked up some more people, we had to get some sleep. we went to barcade, and trashed, which were awesome. i fucking hate union pool though. that place is always filled with dickweeds. katie bailed on giving me a place to stay, but my homegirl sona came through in the clutch!!! unfortunately it took us forever to find her house cause we missed a turn.
the next day was the game. after getting 2 hours of sleep, we left brooklyn for long island. it sucked, i should have just stayed up. during warmups for the game, i broke my finger and strained a muscle in my ribs, somehow. fortunately, i was the only goalie, and we only had 3 subs, so, i got to play a 90 minute game, injured. we lost by 1 goal. i had a meltdown, but wound up being ok.
after the game we went and bbq'd for a bit and came back into the city. we stayed with sona again, and hung out at her place, before going out. katie wound up coming over to meet us, and it was chill. we eventually went back, and got some much needed sleep.
Sunday was a return to the routine. after driving back, i went to stop into work to get my phone charger. bad idea. the kid covering my shift never showed. fucking great. so i had to work. my legs were sunburnt. my finger's broken, and i gotta work this dancy/dj bullshit. i wound up getting off at midnight. lucky me, i also was dodging emily all night.
monday, i had off and got crabs with brigette, kicked it at rocket. watched Pam get crazy, and saw a girl i used to sleep with go home with Pietro. ew. at least i got to hang with matt for the first time in awhile. we're gonna have band practice saturday.
last night, just dj'd, emily got drunk, i didnt. she kept trying to kiss me and hug me all night. it was fucking annoying. even if i were dating her in any capacity, i would hate this. much less from a girl i've slept with a handful of times. she wanted to come over, i didnt. i won, i got to go to bed alone. and wake up alone. and here i am, sitting in my office, which is my bedroom. while gerry and megan lay there in bed, hearing me click away on my computer, having sweet conversations to themselves.
i'm counting down the hours til work, and band meeting, present.

recap

6 am.
can't sleep.
saw old friends.
went to a show.
saw kids mosh.
drank skunked beer.
learning more everyday.
still need a vacation.
can't handle being around people, very well.
one of my crushes makes me nervous.
don't know if it's good or bad.
walks home alone at 4 am are kind of nice.

Summer is here.

I finally went night swimming the other night, wasted out of my mind at 3 am. It was really fun, i think. I really love going swimming. If i had a car, i'd probably go swimming every day. I'd also probably do a lot of other things if i had a car as well. I know i'd go to the beach on every day off.
I'm making plans to go on a vacation with Jess, to AC. She likes gambling, and so do i. We also like the beach, and getting drunk. This trip sounds like a winning combo.
I found out my ex is dating one of my best friends. That's awesome. At least he's a good dude, so i'm pretty ok with it. i kinda figured that was what would wind up happening anyway. it's kind of weird. i definetly had a dream last night where we had gotten back together. i dunno what to think about that, haha.
I'm gonna go see my friends play a show tonight, one of the rare times i go to a show willingly, much less a hc show. apparently i'm not too old for it. either way, i'll get to see a lot of friends, and hang out. that's the one thing i really want to do right now, since i never get to do it.
my bands have some sweet shows coming up, too. so i have that to look forward to, as well.
Everything seems to be coming up roses.

currently playing: Ambulette- Seconds til Midnight.

busy busy busy.

so it's been a while since i last posted. nothing out of the ordinary has really been happening. i've been working a whole lot, and not really making the most of my time off. i had hoped that i would go get a funnel cake at Honfest today, but ultimately have wound up smoking in my room and sitting in the AC.
i have been pretty unhappy since me and dana broke up, but not in the way that she is the one making me that way. although, she did have a small part in it. in the last couple days, it had a little more sting than i thought, as well. i think i've just realized that i have that feeling that as much as i want to leave here, i am stuck, and doomed to keep repeating the same mistakes. some mistakes you never stop paying for, as the suicide file says. i knew i should have moved to richmond when i'd planned on it. who knows were my life would have taken me by now. all i know is that other than a few great friends, and life experience, baltimore really hasn't done so much for me. i've lived here for 10 years almost. that's all i get? that's fucked.
on to somewhat happier things, this summer has pretty much involved the same thing most summers have when i've not ben on tour: hot weather, no socks, late nights, girls, drugs, drinking, sitting on the porch, and work. the new bonus is having a room with windows, and an ac unit. the other new thing with this summer for me, is having crushes. for some reason it's something that i never really develop, but it's kind of a new thing. usually i just decide that i think a girl is attractive, ask her out, yadda yadaa yadda. these girls, i honestly don't even want anything to do with. i just like the idea that i think they are nice/funny/cute/interesting, and when i see them i get a little flustered. it is kind of a bummer, but at the same time, i'm tired of getting consistently screwed over by girls. this makes it a ton easier. i just like the idea of them. single summer 08.
it'd be great to not be so lonely, and generally unhappy with my situation, but having outside stress, and working too much pretty much prevents me from having a relationship with anyone, on any level, it seems like. at least my life isn't like it used to be where i'd have some girl in my bed, who more times than not, i could have cared if they were there or not. i was usually just using them, or they were using me, too. i don't know, it was just to compensate for something that wasn't there, and something i wanted to feel.
my plans of going on vacation went awry this week as well, seeing as how working at the bar may not be so good next month. i'm gonna have to try and be as thrifty as possible. i've already started with my banana/iced tea/water/bread and hummus diet. it amounts to $10 a week for groceries. fortunately i take vitamins. hopefully it results in me losing a couple pounds.
really i kind of hope something good comes out of this summer to restore my faith in something. really, i just want to go on vacation.

Fuck, dude.

Between my allergies and my mental state, i'm not very happy with life right now. Thank god i've gotten ahold of some valiums, cause they're at least getting me through the day. Granted, I'm not breathing out of my nose, and look like a mouthbreathing retard, but still, they help me not be depressed.
I'm finally taking a vacation to Texas next month. I deserve 5 days off in the hottest part of the country. At least i get to go with a couple friends and see one of my favorite bands play their last show, then hang out with other people who i love.
Bartending more, and doing security less, helps a lot, too. I'd rather serve drinks to people, than to keep an eye on them. i also like giving my friends money for working hard, too, at the end of the night. I know how much it sucks doing it, so it's cool to be able to help out.
Work was boring, white trash people suck and don't tip, and none of my friends came in to hang out. Kind of a weak night. Oh well, fuck it, At least i don't have to hear the chit chat of people in love, or the moans of someone i could give a fuck about in my bed. i'm gonna listen to spiritualized, and get some sleep.

The last week of my life or so, in a picture.

the hum of the fan is a constant.

there's nothing more heartbreaking than listening to sad songs in your room, and hearing the giggles and mumbling of people in love through the fucking wall. it's good for making you feel lonelier than you already are, and pushing you further to the point of a manic episode, or nervous breakdown.

fuck, haha. i feel stupid.

i feel like tonight is gonna be another night that i watch the sun rise over the rowhouses of hampden. it's comforting in a fucked up way. i like the way the light hits those houses outside my window at 6 am, and 6 pm. A 12 hour difference, in beauty and time.

i have today off, and know that i'm gonna do absolutely fuck all with it. i'll probably write something after i get up. maybe i'll get to sleep soon. obviously i needed to do something with my time. 

It's kind of irritating when you are paying to have the internet and can't log on to the wireless in your own house. I would love to thank NETGEAR, and Scott, for not blocking their wireless connections wherever they live close to me. Thanks guys/gals.

I miraculously had another day off of work last night, so of course i went out, and enjoyed myself, for a change. i spent the afternoon watching the soccer game w/ ben and tj, drinking beers on the couch. we wrapped that up by meeting up with sherry and steve at Samos, for dinner. $5 gyros, dude. Best in the city easy. Went back home afterwards, to chill for a minute, and then met up with Ben and Dosch, to have a birthday beer.  It was Dosch's bday yesterday, but he can't get wild til the weekend, so i went and had a beer with them at rocket.

while at rocket, the girl i had encountered in my first couple posts was there. she apologized profusely, and ultimately made me feel bad about how i reacted to her.  she is a real nice person, just too fucked up for me to handle, i think.  i had a drink with her, and kindly exited, to go meet up with some friends at the golden west. I was told it was real fun, so i should head over. Apparently in the 5 minutes it took me to walk there, it started to suck, and everyone left. thanks, guys.

i stopped into frijoles and wound up having drinks there for the rest of th night, cause it was chill. the people i was suposed to meet, showed up there, and were wasted, and mildly annoying.  fortunately they were too drunk to stay and they left. chase howed up with more fireworks, so i'm guessing they went to go blow things up.

i wound up hanging with Dan, erica, and Jesse for the rest of the night.  we listenened to the bad brains and drank beer. it was awesome. the walk home was really nice too. it was gorgeous out last night. another day, another drink, another night alone. perfect.

Worn out.

I feel like I've been working non stop lately.  It's probably a good thing, cause it's kept me out of trouble. It's also helped me save money which is always a good thing. I spent most of my weekend working at the bar. Saturday however, I worked Deathfest at Sonar.  It was pretty impressive seeing the amount of total nerds at that thing.  I also got to see Disfear finally.  I don't care what people say about that band, they fucking killed it. Probably one of the best bands i saw this year. Sunday i worked at the bar, and decided i wanted to do something awesome the next day, since i had off of work.  Dave planted the idea of going to atlantic city in my head. It sounded like a winner to me. It had everything i wanted. The beach, booze, and gambling.  It sounded like a winner

Of course, Monday was the first day I've had to myself in a while.  Instead of going to AC, I spent the day hanging out, went to a BBQ, went out drinking. Apparently i got fucking shitfaced. I am going to blame the sangria. It's probably good that I didnt go to atlantic city.  I dunno how much fun i could have had by myself. None of my friends were in the position to go with me. I did have a lot of fun hanging out at the bbq and frijoles anyway. Obviously i did, because i got fucking twisted. Everyone I saw yesterday told me i was really fun.  I dunno if that's good or not.  At least i didnt have a shameover, and a bunch of phone calls to make. That's never fun for anyone. 

I kind of feel like getting tattooed today. Maybe I will. I certainly don't have anything better to do.